Feeling Lumpy

Warning: this will be a "poor-pitiful-me" post. A rant, if-you-will. If you're not into that sort of thing, just ignore me. I apologize. But I'm just not feeling good about myself lately.

Have I worked out at all this week? No. Have I eaten right? Nope. Did I devour the chocolate chip cookies my mom sent home with me on Monday? You betcha. I have had a gnarly sweet-tooth lately (maybe it's due to Halloween or something) and I consumed more Coke in the last few days than I did all last month. I've got to get a grip.

I am meeting my husband's co-workers for the first time this afternoon and I have nothing to wear that I feel "cute" in. My wardrobe consists of sloppy long-sleeved tee shirts and I have two pairs of jeans that fit. One of them isn't the slightest bit comfortable and the zipper is messed up on it. *sigh* All of my cute autumn transition clothes are too small because I can't fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes still. And I only have a few items of clothing I can actually wear because clothes cost money and this year has been...well, despite having a baby and loving being a mom, it's been a really, really hard year on all of us in more areas than one. Sometimes I don't get to eat until after 8:00 p.m., if the baby is having an extra fussy evening. Yesterday, I chowed down on a greasy chicken sandwich and fries from our cafeteria at work. Today, we are having a pizza party.

Must. Get. a. Grip.

I picked out the cutest thing I have, which is a short-sleeved cardigan with a black cami underneath and my "good" pair of jeans and a pair of black boots. Maybe that will do. It's a bit oversized, but at least it will hide my flab. It's in the car and I'll change at my mom's when I go to pick up the boy. I just don't want people thinking my husband is married to a slob. But, tomorrow, I'll probably wear a long-sleeved tee shirt and PJ pants. And Sunday, I'll wear one of the two church outfits I have that fits. Luckily, I don't have to dress up for work. But I feel sloppy and uncomfortable every single day.

Unlike Kyrstin, I don't feel comfortable with my body right now. I am soft and babies love soft. But, I think I'm too soft. My stomach has always been my problem area and now it's even worse. Throw in extra hip and butt fat. MK says that I still look good, but I don't believe him. I don't like who I see in the mirror.

I have to do this for me. I don't want to be one of those women who has "let herself go." True, I had a baby 6 months ago, but I know all kinds of women who look...not as bad as I do...after having a kid.

Not sure what the point of this post was, other than to just vent my feelings. I'm not really adding any nuggets of goodness to the blog today. And for that, I apologize. Maybe I'll feel better next week. And maybe I'll be desperate enough to haul my butt to the gym on Monday. We'll see...

getting this right

so. i went shopping this weekend, and purchased a few items of clothing. i've forever worn size 18 or XL. it's just what i wear. but i'm not happy with how my clothes fit. they're too loose under my bum, and tight in other places...

we hit sales. and i bought smaller sizes!

so, i bought some pants in an 18 (but they're gap), skirt in a 16, and a few tops that were either large (not XL!) or size 16 (not 18!). they're all super cute, and fit great, and make me look awesome.

i'm not losing more weight. i was wearing the wrong size! so, while i'd love to be down another size or two, i'm happy where i am for now. i feel good, i'm eating well, and while i'm not currently losing weight, i'm looking alright where i am.

don't get me wrong, i'm not done yet. like i said, i'd like to be down a little more. i want to lose some weight before i have baby (babies?), and feel better in general. but i'm not unhappy, which is a really good thing.

i feel so... ugh... today

yuck.
we're all girls here, right?
i started my period today. that makes me feel ugly. i don't like it. anyways, i'm going to blame this weight on this weekend's meals combined with bloating of my period. thanks, nature.

but i'm not just going to sit here and feel ugly and icky. i'm going to do something about it.

i can say all i want that i'll start going to the gym "soon". everyone can say that.
i'm starting to go to the gym this wednesday morning.

i remember how happy i was when i was going to the gym on a regular basis. so starting wednesday, i'm back in the gym! i'm shooting for three days a week.
keep me accountable.

i see it now!

it's easy to hear people say you look good. or they can tell you've lost weight. maybe your clothes fit better than they have before, or, like me, you've dropped a size. but i have this image of myself. i still see myself as my heaviest, from over a year ago. i have no idea why chris is attracted to me. i see my sagging skin (albeit, it's that way from weight loss, but still), and i feel so ugly sometimes.

then, i go get my name changed (which, for some reason, makes me feel prettier anyway), and get a new license in the process.

they took a new picture.

(before on the right, after on the left. sorry for the quality, but it's on my phone. and i zoomed in so you couldn't see my address, etc. you understand.)

now, even i can tell. and it makes me so happy. so happy, that i have a new little burst of motivation for continued weight loss.

yay for little moments.

A revelation...

I'm not sure if anyone has talked about this yet, if so, sorry for repeating. But I realized something this week.

I look awesome naked.

Yes, you heard right. I love the way I look without clothes on when I get out of the shower. That doesn't mean that I want to walk around naked all the time or that I'm narcissistic or that I don't need to lose weight.

I would die of embarrassment naked in public, am highly self-conscious, and *do* need to lose weight to be healthy. But, the clothes we wear probably do a lot for our self-esteem.

You know what I'm talking about, right? We all have that favorite pair of jeans. Why is it our favorite? Most likely it's because it fits us well, makes our butt look awesome, hides that muffin top, etc., right?

Why don't we all own a whole closet of clothes that look good and make us feel good?

I don't know. But I examined this. Why do I own 2+ pairs of jeans that I feel make me look fat? Well, I remember on 2 of those pairs. It's because they were cheap. I bought those 2 pairs at Old Navy on clearance for under $15. Not each, but total. Do I ever wear them? Nope. (That's not true, they fit better right after the wedding than they do in the months following... I got excited about food again after the wedding. I think I was *really* watching what I was eating, even if it was subconscious.)

And buying clothes because "maybe" you'll fit into them in a month or after you lose 10 pounds? Also, something I'm guilty of. If I hadn't bought that shirt that I liked, but didn't fit well, I would have had money for that shirt that I LOVED when I found it 2 weeks later.

So, my goal for this week? Take everything out of my closet that doesn't look "good" on me. I realize I may be down to 2 pairs of jeans and 5 shirts (kidding!), but there will be less clutter, more simple, and another box in storage. In about 3-4 months, I'll pull that box out and see if I feel any differently about any of those clothes I "like" but never wear because they don't look good. If I feel the same about them, I'll send them on to Goodwill.

Second goal? Quit buying stuff that doesn't look good and/or make me feel good!

Also, update: I've worked out 3 times in the last 2 weeks. I know, I know! Not good. But two of those times were in the last 48 hours. That's not bad, is it? ;-)